Celine Dion Smells Like Monkey Ass

Or rather, her perfume does. Jessica and I were out doing some late night shopping and stopped in Longs Drugs to get some contact lens cleaner. We had spent the day in and out of a few department stores and Body Shop-type places, so I was no stranger to sampling aromas. Jessica had a short spritz of this new perfume from the Screeching Queen of Chest Pounding herself, Celine Dion, and it took one second to realize that this is ONE OF THE WORST PERFUMES I’VE EVER CLAPPED NOSTRILS ON. Seriously. It’s up there with patchouli, a monkey house, and a truck-stop bathroom, as my least favorite pongs. Cloying, sweet, more like an air-freshener from a 99 Cent store than perfume. We couldn’t believe it. Worse,we couldn’t get it off Jessica’s wrist and we drove home in pure suffering. When we got to San Andreas Street, there was the unmistakable smell of a skunk, and you know what? It was better than the smell in the car. When we got home Jessica scrubbed her arm like she was going in to operate on someone, and, because she had wiped some of her arm off on me in the initial panic, I had to throw my shirt in the wash and jump in the shower. Brutal.
However, I did come up with a slogan for the perfume. Celine Dion: “My Fart Will Go On.”
If you think I’m exaggerating, go to your local drugstore and try it.

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